Vikings defeat Bears on Monday Night Football in pitiful display

The Vikings defeat the Bears in a game of utter incompetence and madness.

The Vikings defeat the Bears in a game of utter incompetence and madness.
Illustration: Getty Images

A long time ago, when things made a little more sense and RC Cola was one thing, Monday Night Football was the biggest game of the week. Which made it a great mystery why ABC would subject the nation to Dan Dierdorf babbling about something at best tangentially connected to what was happening on the ground. There were some people who thought it was sad when the BIG GAME OF THE WEEK moved to Sunday, making Monday night an afterthought.

Sometimes we all forget that leaving ESPN table scraps could lead to excellent comedy. ESPN has yet to follow the motions of their one-hour pre-match show, mid-game graphics, enhanced storylines, and presentation to make us think this is a big deal, which only accentuates the punchline of the actual 60 minutes of football. It’s a big joke, even if ESPN isn’t involved. They play their role well. Mean Gene Okerlund was a legend because he portrayed him as a real journalist, after all.

So a lot on Monday nights, you get an “Oh right, we almost forgot about these two”, kind of a feeling. This doesn’t always make the viewing fun, in terms of the spectacle of watching a child fall off a bicycle (I don’t give a fuck about your kids). But sometimes, everything falls into place, and you understand why the other networks left this game in the cold and the league tried to steal it in secret hoping you wouldn’t notice. It’s like the middle act on the kids’ talent show where all the teachers know it’s going to be overcooked and uncomfortable and they just pray that no parent gets it noticed and their forced kindness will bring the day.

You can’t force yourself to lose a football game any harder than the Minnesota Vikings did last night. They threw for 87 yards. Dalvin Cook averages 3.2 yards per transport. Three and four consecutive units went in the second half. They had a first down in the second half after their touchdown drive to start the third quarter. You can’t really provide brighter track lights than the Vikings did for the Bears.

They were leading by two points for most of the second half, except for a fucking recovery touchdown in the last play of the match that led to the final 17-9.. The Bears didn’t even come close to a team that was actively giving them the game. Minnesota wasn’t so much leaving crumbs in their Chicago hiding place as setting a trail of gasoline on fire. You would have to have blind and missing legs to miss it.

It points to a way the Bears could screw everything up, and they did. Billed? Of course, this is the easy part. Stupid penalties? This is a fixed point. Punt muffled? Sure, we’ll make it. Incomprehensible pun? We have that too. Guys who don’t do shows? You bet. This was the game of charades where a player could have three hours of clues and never get them, and kept saying “Guys!”

And it’s just a microcosm. Because while the Bears have not been able to gather the Viking insights to do what was right, even the Bears’ ownership cannot when it comes to making changes. There can be no more flashing signs that big changes are over – unruly play, poor development, plans that don’t make sense, guys always in the wrong place – yet the Bears haven’t done it because they don’t want to prove a reporter right.

It couldn’t be simpler, Luanne …

So yeah, Monday Night Football isn’t what it was. It’s no longer the main dish, but basically the hangover ibuprofen. But hey, sometimes it can be better in other ways.

YEEEEEEER OOOOUT!

We conclude on a lighter note.

If you didn’t see the actual text on this tweet, you’d know something happened when the ump greets the official who comes to tell him he has to go fuck himself. This is how you greet the bartender on the last call. “HEYYYY! It’s this guy! “

Also, what was the “determination” process for his teammates? Some tweets did arguing with players without being solicited and sending fans into a tailspin, but it’s nothing we haven’t seen here before. Has Joe West been drunk the whole time?

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