As fries rained on Wyoming football manager Craig Bohl’s head yesterday against the bright blue backdrop of the famous Idaho Potato Bowl in place of the usual Gatorade victory bath, I thought to myself as I (and many others) do each year. – why don’t all pétanque games do something like this?
Bowls have already become such corporate gimmicks that at this point the best way to advertise the product to the public is to have the bowls embrace their own ridiculousness. Now, of course, you can’t pour, for example, a Playstation Fiesta Bowl-themed Gatorade replacement on someone, so our options are limited. With that in mind, here are the rankings for semi-realistic Gatorade substitutes based on bowl names, a shower to fry the Idaho Potato Bowl.
5. Armed Forces Cup / Military Bowl
From the start, my first thought is that the Gatorade replacement would essentially be a missile fired at the winning coach. Given that it would be particularly unpleasant for both the manager and almost everyone in attendance, the Armed Forces Bowl obviously ends up last on the semi-realistic Gatorade celebration replacement rankings, as the manager would almost certainly perish immediately. Alternatively, army fans could take the pitch by storm, but 20 years and $ 1 trillion later, they are forced to retire having no strategic advantage. Last year the Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl gave us a fight on the pitch (no guns were used, but they really embraced the spirit of their corporate sponsors). Anyway, 0/10.
4. Alligator bowl
In this situation, I’m picturing a live alligator crawling out of one of those huge Gatorade urns they keep on the sidelines. The alligator would have to be relatively small to fit, thus giving the winning Gator Bowl coach a slight edge over anything that would have happened next, but the alligator would have had the element of surprise in its own, as the coach surely wouldn’t have. I expected that. Would there be an alligator wrestling show? Perhaps. Hopefully. Since immediate death is not on the table, but there is a good deal of danger, this ranks at No. 4. 3/10.
3. Peach bowl / Orange bowl / Citrus bowl
I felt that I could probably have grouped them all together because there wouldn’t be a significant difference in a shower of peaches, oranges or other citrus fruits. I would say this is a pretty average replacement Gatorade shower. If the fruits were too large, there could be a risk of slight bruising in the head and shoulder area of the winning coach, but I find it hard to imagine that the fruits could build up the amount of momentum needed by the casting to actually do any damage, as it is limited to the reach of players who pay. Since it would be easy and safe enough to stick to the theme but also not exactly thrilling, this earns third place in Gatorade’s semi-realistic replacements. 6/10.
2. Duke’s Mayo Bowl
Too cowardly to shower the winning coach in real, spicy Duke’s mayonnaise last year, replacing it with a whitish watery substance that was an unconvinced attempt at looking like the seasoning, the North Carolina and South Carolina coaches are both gone. hit this year saying they’ll accept a real, authentic mayonnaise bath after winning the biggest game of boules ever. Honestly, if you have to get explicit, premeditated consent for a replacement bathroom at Gatorade, you just know it’s going to be good. However, it will also be disgusting and could even cause you to vomit, depending on how much it gets on the coach’s face and things like that. For this, Duke’s Mayo gets the second ranking for replacement Gatorade showers. 8/10.
1. Cheez-It Bowl
Who wouldn’t want to be covered in Cheez-Its? I think if I ever reach heaven, it would feel like an eternal fountain of Cheez-Its that somehow never hurts my stomach, because, you know, I’d be in eternal heaven and all. The only downside to a Cheez-It shower is the waste of crackers falling to the floor, never to be eaten. No, this is not an advertisement, just a personal obsession. Bonus points if they are white cheddar. Because of how delicious and physically harmless a Cheez-It shower would be, this bowl wins the top spot. Last year’s winning coach actually received a Gatorade cheesy snack replacement shower. This year it will be Dabo Swinney or Matt Campbell who will make my dream come true. 11/10.